Archive for the ‘Funny Shit’ Category

70 years old

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc,
it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between
her knees, but still nothing..’

The doctor was shocked!

‘You asked your neighbor?’

The old man replied,

‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

police dog

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’

The blonde said it was hers.

‘Your dog seems to be in heat’ the officer said.

The blonde replied, ‘No way. She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.’

The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’

‘No way,’ said the blonde. ‘My dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ’cause I fed her this mornin.’

The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’

(Your gotta love this)

The blonde looked at the cop and said, ‘Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’

More funnys

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
This asshole Girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, “Is that Corona or Bud?”
I said, “There’s a tap underneath. Taste it and find out.”
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you ‘d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.
“Come on, what day was I born”?
I said, “Yesterday.”

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”
I said “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. ”
***********

A few funnys

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
My gay mate, who is dyslexic, couldn’t wait for February 14th. He thought it was Vaseline day.

People should lay off Lance Armstrong I think what he achieved was amazing… When I was on drugs I couldn’t even find my bike!

After seeing the Swansea ball boy keep possession of the ball for more than 10 seconds Aston Villa have made a bid of £20 million for him.

My slow witted mate got sacked from his job at B&Q for knocking out an African woman. I think he needed more training when instructed to ‘go and find a Black and Decker’!!

Just watched the Lance Armstrong interview again. He lied to us so much and for so long I’m starting to doubt he landed on the moon at all.

Bradford city have announced that cup final ticket prices will start at 60 Rupees each and are limited to 40 per household.

After the horsemeat scare an old Irish Lady called Tesco’s customer services and complained her Risotto has gorilla in it. The matter was quickly resolved when the assistant explained the photo on the box was Ainsley Harriot.

I called in sick today and told the manager ‘the doctor says I have anal blindness. ‘What is that he asked’ I said I can’t see my ass coming into work today.

I’m starting to take this drink driving thing seriously now . Left the car in the pub car park last night & took the bus home. Quite proud of myself really, I’ve never driven a bus before.

My mate Paddy rang me and said he’s just got this bargain coat from House of Frazer. Originally it was £400 but he got it for just £25. He said it was supposed to be slightly imperfect but he’s had a look all over and the only thing he can find is one sleeve slightly longer than the other two!

Two deaf people

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can’t see each other using sign language). After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposed a solution.

“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. And if you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis … fifty times.”

A Greek man

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
A Greek man was at work talking to his mate about his sex life with his wife who he had been happily married to for 40 years.

“Every night, we make soft, sensual, passionate love to each other mate. It’s beautiful I tell ya.” He says “I love my wife so much and I could never cheat on her, but ya know mate, every night it’s the same thing. We lovingly caress each other and slowly make sweet love to each other. I tell ya, it’s the most beautiful thing ever but I’d just like a change after 40 years of the doing the same thing”

His mate says “Well, have you ever thought of… You know, rolling her over and trying the other hole”

The Greek man was really shocked by this “What! and get her pregnant?!?!”

Three blondes

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So you all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did, he has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,”This is probably a waste of time, but…” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
“The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

Some Funny’s for You All

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011

Just Hanging Around lol

For Fuck Sake Go Home

The World Has Gone To Shit

Planning Application

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

I have just applied for planning permission to build a new home.

It was going to be 100ft tall and 400ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with tatty pink trim.

The Council Planning Department told me to SOD off.

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

Work starts Monday!